The Valar Must Be Crazy
by Archimedes-Factotum
Summary: What is it? IT'S... Archie Factotum's Crazy Parody of LOTR! with Pythonesque humor, and hilarious things such as: Gandalf in a Porsche, Legolas in a fluffy green top hat, Grima in a...hehe, read to find out!
1. Clueless

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize. (holds up hands with terrified expression) I _do _own myself and my literary genius. (gets up and bows low)

Chapter 1: Clueless

Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn had been running for almost 1 day straight.

Legolas had kept his eyes fixed on the horizon, Aragorn ran nearly double, searching for any clue as to what had happened to Merry and Pippin, and Gimli wasn't particularly helpful as all he could think about was "Keep breathing! That's the key! Breathe!"

They ran. And ran. And ran. Until, out of the Blue, things started to happen.

Aragorn found a banana. He sniffed it, and, smiling, remembered Gandalf's words to Merry: "If all else fails, always follow your nose."

With his extraordinary ability to scientifically name anything at first sniff, he said authoritatively:

"Look, my friends! Not idly do the bananas of Argentina fall. This did not drop by chance: it was cast away as a token to any that might follow."

He then promptly started off again, while downing the banana, and mumbling something about how beneficial Calcium was for keeping up strength.

After finishing, he tossed the peel behind him, and spontaneously heard a "!?#! Ooof!" from Legolas.

Aragorn grinned.

_4 HOURS LATER:_

The sun had sank, and it was now almost pitch dark. The orcs had long since passed beyond the horizon, and consequently Legolas' sight. There was now some debate as to whether they should go on and follow the Orcs' trail in the dark, or should rest and revive their strength until the morrow.

Aragorn was lost in thought about the matter when a square of yellow paper caught his eye. He walked over to the rock where it was. He gingerly picked it up, and read in hastily scribbled lines:

_You may rest now. If you keep going, you will only diminish your strength. Not to mention the fact that you are destined to meet Someone tomorrow, and if you run all night you'll look as if you've been through a salad spinner, and this Person will not be very impressed. Please take this advice!_

_Yours Truly_

_P.S. If there are things you do not understand, always remember that in the end, Everything is Illuminated._

Aragorn looked up from the note. Neither Legolas nor Gimli had seen him read it. He stuck it in his pocket and cleared his throat.

"We will not walk in the dark. The peril of missing the trail or other signs of coming and going seems to me the greater... Well, I have chosen. So let us use the time as best we may!"

With that he cast himself on the ground and fell at once into sleep.

_7 HOURS LATER:_

The Three Hunters felt refreshed after their sleep, and after eating some pop-tarts acquired in Lorien, started off after their quarry once again.

After the sun completed her ride across the sky, once again the weary travelers lay down to rest the night away.

_10 HOURS LATER:_

The morning dawned, clear and cold. Aragorn looked around from atop the hill where they had spent the night. Suddenly he caught sight of a dark, swift-moving blur on the distant green. He flung himself to the ground and, pressing his ear to the turf, listened intently.

"Toothbrushes!" he cried, springing to his feet. "Many toothbrushes upon swift steeds are coming towards us!"

His companions looked at him strangely.

He was getting annoyed, and said irritably, "What?"

Legolas said tentatively, "Nay, brother, there are riders, one hundred and five of them. Yellow is their hair, and bright are there spears. Their leader is very tall."

Aragorn smiled, and decided to forget the fact that a prince had just corrected a king.

"Keen are the eyes of the Elves," he said.

They agreed to sit in the grass and wait for the horsemen to pass.

In pairs they galloped by, and though every now and then one rose in his stirrups and gazed ahead and to either side, they appeared not to perceive the three strangers sitting silently and watching them. The host had almost passed when suddenly Aragorn stood up, and called in a loud voice:

"Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?"

With surprising speed and agility, the 105-now-miraculously-multiplied to 2,000 horsemen surrounded the Three Hunters. One, seemingly the leader, rode forward, then dismounted and while absent-mindedly flicking some earwax off his finger, asked:

"What business does an elf, a man and a Dwarf have in the Riddermark? Speak quickly!"

Some near-violence ensued between him and Gimli, and the Riders took the opportunity to apply some much-needed deodorant and and OFF! Mosquito Spray.

After a short conversation with Aragorn & co., Éomer son of Éomund came to a better understanding of their purposes and loaned them 2 horses ("To be sent when called for"), after which he and his 105-miraculously-multiplied-to-2,000 horsemen rode off, leaving the Hunters to whatever hope they had left.

Author's Note: Well here's chapter one! It took me about a month to get around to posting this. It gets a little vague near the end, but I was writing at like 12:00 am and so my imagination drive was about shot. Ah well.

Byebye all Lucie aka ArchimedesFactotum


	2. Fangorn Forest

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone/thing you recognize. All I own are my own literary talents.

Chapter 2: Fangorn Forest

After the glacial meeting with Eomer and his 105-miraculously-multiplied-to-2,000 riders, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli were left with 2 horses. This situation proved a bit of a dilemma, as Gimli would not accept the fact that he had to ride a horse for the first time in his life. He stood stiff as a letter opener and said,

"I would sooner walk than sit on the back of any beast so great, free or begrudged."

Aragorn however knew that Gimli would have to ride and said so, earning him a kicked shin from one of Gimli's heavy boots.

Legolas finally cleared the whole matter up by saying, "Come, you shall sit behind me, friend Gimli. Then all will be well, and you need neither borrow a horse nor be troubled by one."

In doing this he also broke the ECC, or Elves Code of Cleanliness, by agreeing to be in close proximity to a dwarf for a long period of time.

They galloped to the pile of burning orc bodies, and started sifting through the top layer of ash to see if they could find any familiar token of their friends. All this was done while trying to ignore the grisly orc head stuck on a pole with ketchup squirted all over it to look like blood.

At length, Gimli gasped and said sadly, "It's one of their wee belts."

The Three Hunters looked at the familiar piece of silver-inlaid leather.

Gimli simply stood there.

Legolas said a quiet prayer in Elvish, then pulled out his handkerchief and discreetly plugged his nose. Elven senses are very delicate, and burning orc bodies don't smell all that nice.

Aragorn had the most spectacular reaction of all. He let out a yell that would have scared Sauron from 50 leagues away, kicked an orc helmet down the hill, and fell to his knees. He stared at his hands in his lap, as if they had been responsible for all that had gone amiss. Gimli apparently was thinking the same thing, and looking up, said, "We failed them."

Aragorn recovered and started searching the ground for any sign of the Hobbits' fate. He went into psychopath mode and even identified where Drain-O had dissolved the Hobbits' bonds. Gimli and Legolas looked at each other, but didn't say anything. An annoyed Aragorn could be dangerous. Eventually he brought them to the eaves of Fangorn Forest.

"We are supposed to camp at the edge of the forest tonight, and Saruman comes and scares the horses away, but I'm going to change the story," he said.

"Good beasts," he addressed the horses, "you have served us well, but Fangorn is no place for horses. Go back to your master in Meduseld."

_2 HOURS LATER:_

"Aragorn!" Legolas hissed. "Something draws near."

"What? What do you see?" Aragorn questioned.

"The White Wizard approaches," came the answer.

The companions readied their weapons

" We must be quick. Do not let him speak, he will put a spell on us." Aragorn really _was _paranoid.

Suddenly, the cracklingly tense air broke as they burst into action.

They weren't sure exactly where they were aiming, they just knew he was somewhere in the white light.

Legolas shot an arrow, Gimli threw one of his battle axes, and Aragorn threw a stapler. The others looked on bemusedly as he sighted, took aim, and threw. It sailed about three feet, then hit the ground with a _thud_.

"Oops," said Aragorn, with a very sheepish look on his face.

The White-light-containing-a-wizard spoke.

"You are tracking the footsteps of two young Hobbits. They passed this way, the day before yesterday."

"Who are you? Show yourself!" Aragorn demanded.

The Three gasped as the light dimmed to reveal Gandalf, dressed all in white. There followed a joyful reunion, after which they started walking towards the edge of Fangorn.

During a lull in the conversation, Gandalf commented, "Treebeard seriously needs to get a dust mop. This forest is starting to look a bit scruffy."

No one asked.

Eventually they reached the edge of the forest.

Gandalf pressed a button on an odd-looking piece of some type of rock, and almost instantly a brand spankin' new white Porsche came into view. Gandalf stroked the bumper lovingly.

"This is a Shadowfax, a new model, and lord of all Porsches. I do not have time to walk the distance to Meduseld, and neither do you. Get in."

He flipped the throttle switch, and they zoomed off across the plains of Rohan.

After about 3 hours of being smashed in the back seat next to Gimli, Legolas realized that maybe the ECC (Elves' Code of Cleanliness) had been written for a purpose. Gimli smelled, strangely and very strongly, of garlic. When Legolas risked an inquiry into the matter, he simply chuckled and said, "It keeps away the smell."

Legolas didn't ask _what_ smell. Elves, after all, have very delicate senses.

Author's Note: Mmmm, garlic... Anyway! I don't actually have much to say. The "odd-looking piece of some type of rock" is one of those car remote thingys that unlocks it (I call it a "beeper"). So 'til next week, ArchimedesFactotum


	3. Of Edoras and Pink Tights

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or Monty Python or a Porsche. All I own is my own idiocy.

Onward, Patsy!

Chapter 3: Of Edoras and Pink Tights

Finally Gandalf stopped the Porsche on top of a hill. He looked at Legolas in his rearview mirror.

"Look towards the East, Legolas. What can you see?" He addressed the Elf.

Legolas swallowed, and said in a rather stuffy voice,

"I believe I could get a better view if I stepped out, if you don't mind...." He shot a desperate look at Gandalf.

A slight smirk played on the wizard's lips as he said, "Of course, my dear elf. Go ahead."

Legolas practically bashed himself against the door in his haste to get out of the evil box that imprisoned him with Gimli and the Smell. Once out, he took a good deep breath of lovely clean air before shading his eyes with a long slender hand and looking out across the golden fields of Rohan.

Once he caught sight of Edoras, he reported back to Gandalf in the car.

"I see a white stream that comes down from the snows," he said. "Where it issues from the shadow of the vale a green hill rises upon the east. A dike and mighty wall and thorny fence encircle it. Within there rise the roofs of houses; and in the midst, set upon a green terrace, there stands aloft a great hall of Men. And it seems to my eyes that it is thatched with gold."

"Very eloquent!" Gimli said under his breath.

Gandalf elaborated. "You see well, Legolas. That is Edoras, and the golden hall of Meduseld. There dwells Theoden, King of Rohan ... whose mind is overthrown. Let us drive to ... Meduseld!"

_**Merry tune strikes up, as men tap dance on tables ... ...**_

_"We're guards of Rohan's Capital!_

_We dance around and never fall!_

_We do routines, and chorus scenes, with eyeliner like barbie dolls;_

_We dine well here in Meduseld,_

_We eat brownies after orcs we fell!_

_(dancing)_

_We're guards of Rohan's Capital!_

_Our armor's state is laughable!_

_Oh many days,_

_We're given lays,_

_That are quite untranslatable!_

_We're not so fat in Edoras,_

_We sing from the diaphragm in farce!_

_In war we're tough and able,_

_Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable,_

_Between our quests,_

_We make bad jests,_

_And impersonate Thorongil!_

_It's a bit too loud in Meduseld -_

_I have to count the orcs we've felled!"_

Gandalf sighed. "I am afraid we must go to Meduseld, although it is a silly place."

"Right."

"Right."

"Right."

As they careened up to the gates of Edoras, two guards jumped up and began to interrogate in Rohirric.

"Who are you that come riding heedless over the plain thus strangely clad, driving a Porsche like to that of our own Porsches? That is one of the _Mearas, _unless our eyes are cheated by some spell. Say, are you not spies from Saruman, or phantoms of his craft? Speak now and be swift!"

"We are no phantoms," said Aragorn, "nor do your eyes cheat you. For indeed this is your own Porsche that we drive, as you knew well ere you asked. Yet seldom does thief ride home to stable. We are friends of Rohan, and of Theoden, your King."

"Oh, shuddup, Aragorn. Time is pressing! Sauron sees friends, or those who should be, stalling over small quarrels, as he readies his armies for the blow that will crush the Free Lands of Middle Earth, and he laughs. We are here to speak with your King, not bicker over small things," said Gandalf.

Guard #2eyed them suspiciously, but Guard #1 finally consented.

"You may pass, but let me be the first to warn you: you at least, Mithrandir, will no longer find welcome in the halls of Meduseld, for Grima, called the Wormtongue, has given you an evil name, and we fear that- " he was cut off by Guard #2, who said, "It is not our place to say."

Guard #1 finished by saying, "Seek what hope you may!" as the gates creaked open.

As the travelers walked through the village, Gimli commented on the extreme cleanliness of things: "You'll find more litter in Central Park," he said gravely. The others were too preoccupied to heed his strange comment, except one.

Aragorn immediately knew what was wrong when he happened to glance over to his right.

There, walking beside him, was the ghost of Theodred.

The Dúnadan risked a glance to his left. An identical spectre trailed him on that side.

Aragorn felt a very girlie shriek rising up in his chest, and tried to halt it, but to no avail. Just as the first notes of terror were about to break out into the wind, he was forcefully silenced by a Rohirric flag blowing into his mouth and face.

After the fearsome piece of cloth was extricated from his face by Legolas, Aragorn whispered "I see dead people," as beads of cold sweat appeared on his forehead.

"Aragorn, you're not even King yet, and already you're talking nonsensically. I thought the stress-related failing of mind was not supposed to start until after coronation?"Gandalf said, almost to himself. "Come, we have work to do here," he goaded.

As they walked down the long hall of Meduseld, they noticed dark-looking men trailing them in the shadows by the walls. Legolas and Gimli's eyes narrowed as they calculated how many men they were going to have to take on, weapon-less and single handed.

Wormtongue stopped their progress towards the throne, and started stating drabble about how ill news is said to be an ill guest. Gandalf silenced him with his staff, alerting the evil men in the shadows to attack.

As Aragorn and Legolas whacked and whopped, Gimli stood by and waited for his chance. Finally, Wormtongue was thrown on the floor and Gimli put a large booted foot on the terrified Grima's chest, saying with a smirk,

"I'd stay still if I were you, and I valued my pride."

Once the exorcism of Saruman was over, and Theoden no longer looked like he'd been swimming in hot cocoa for too long, he said irritably,

"You should have just left me, you know. I was having a most lovely dream, all about food, and I wasn't having to think at all, because someone else was doing it for me."

"We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril," Gandalf reminded him.

"I don't think I was."

"Yes you were, you were in terrible peril."

"Look, let him come back and I'll face the peril."

"No, it's too perilous."

"Look, I want to have as much peril as I can."

"No, we've got to save Rohan. Come on!"

"Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?"

"No, it's unhealthy."

"Bet you're gay."

"No I'm not. That's my actor."

Theoden and Gandalf's little quarrel was broken up by Grima's pitiful cry of "No!"

They turned to see Gimli, still standing over Grima with one foot on the poor man's chest, holding a disgusting Wormtongue-sized pair of pink tights and a tutu.

"It's this or die," Gimli said warningly. By now, they had attracted the attention of most of the court.

"Fine," said Grima sulkily. The King looked at him, and an evil smile crossed his face.

_Vengeance at last! _he thought to himself.

"Let it be known, that the the punishment for Grima, called the Wormtongue, is to be carried out by our most worthy Dwarf, Gimli Gloin's son, in whatever fashion he sees fit," Theoden announced in a loud voice.

Grima returned from the bathroom five minutes later wearing a complete pink ballet outfit, leotard, tights, tutu and all.

Even Legolas had to grimace at the appalling ensemble.

But this was not all. As if being seen by Eowyn in such an embarrassing façade was not enough, Gimli then instructed Grima to do a few leaps and bounds in classic ballet style.

At the very first leap, Wormtongue fell flat on his face at Eowyn's feet, earning him a lovely split lip. He soldiered on however, and ended his eccentric performance by snarling something profane in the general direction of Gandalf.

Finally, Theoden consented to give him a horse and be rid of him. He galloped through the gates and away, and Guards #1 and #2 could see flashes of pink in the hills until the most unfortunate Grima disappeared over the horizon.

What a story he would have to tell Saruman when he came through the gates of Orthanc in a pink tutu!

Author's Note: The flashes of pink are NOT THAT kind of flashes, you pervy people! Ick, I wouldn't want to see Grima's bum... Did anyone notice Bombur's line from The Hobbit, about how wonderful his dream was? I gave it to Théoden, I don't know why - my brain does wierd things. Oh yeah... reviews would be nice, if you have the time!

ArchimedesFactotum


	4. Behold! The Chapter Without a Title!

Disclaimer: Filthy laws, they stole it, they did. It's ours, it is, and we wants it! Precious! (thunk) Dazed Lucie: We doesn't own it, precious!

To fetch-thranduilion: Aw, I'm sorry! Thank you very much though, I'm flattered! I hope you enjoy this deliciously random chapter ;-

To Tears of the Flames: I know, that's what makes it so stupid! Thank you and I hope you enjoy this, it's wonderful to know that people are reading my story!

Chapter 4: Behold! The Chapter Without a Title!

After Grima fled, Théoden suddenly felt a great weight in his heart. Someone was missing.

"I seem to have mislaid something, or someone. Yet the depths of my memory are unclear," he said slowly. Then, horrible reality dawned.

"Where is Théodred? Where is my son?"

Aragorn cleared his throat nervously, but was silenced by a Death Glare from Gandalf.

Eowyn suddenly found the stones beneath her feet very interesting.

Gandalf led him down to the burial mounds, and he kneeled near his son's grave.

"Pretzels. Ever have they grown on the tombs of my forebears. Now they shall cover the grave of my son." He picked one and took a bite. "Wonderful idea though, is it not? Comfort food, right at the grave, making mourning easy."

Gandalf shook his head resignedly, and said in a bored tone of voice, "will wonders never cease?" He turned to go back into Edoras, but stopped when hesawtwo children riding towards them. The boy slid off the horse, unconcious,and the girl looked at him with big sad eyes------

"pfffftbfffcough cough!! No sentimental stuff here, okay?" yelled the produceer. Only to realize - THIS WAS NOMOVIE, THIS WAS REAL! He promptly suffered a fatal heart attack, and the movie making terror was no more.

"They had no toasters. They were unwarmed. Now the wild men are roving through the Westfold, burning as they go. Rick, cott and tree," Eowyn informed. She went back to tending the little girl.

"This is but a taste of the terror that Saruman will unleash," said Gandalf. "Ride out and meet him head-on. Draw him away from your women and mushrooms."

Merry's head shot up. "Did somebody say mushrooms? All hobbits love mushrooms. There was this one time-" Gandalf clapped a hand over his mouth, and looked at him with a very strange expression.

"Oops, I guess I'm early. I thought I heard somebody shout 'Scene 24', so I came on. I had no idea! Should I leave? Wait - did you say mushrooms?"

Gandalf vanished him away to where he was supposed to be immediately, before anyone noticed. He heaved a sigh of relief, and returned his attention to the conversation.

"You have 2,000 good volleyball nets being carried to Wal-Mart as we speak. Éomer is loyal to you, and his men will return and fight for their King," Aragorn was saying.

Théoden looked at him with a puzzled expression, but stood up and paced across the hall anyway. "They will be 300 leagues from here by now," he said exasperatedly.

Gandalf got up to say something, but the King cut him off.

"I know what it is you ask of me, but I cannot further endanger my people. I will not risk an open butter churn."

Aragorn put in his two cents. "Open butter churns are upon you, whether you would risk it or not."

Théoden spun around and fixed him with an icy glare. "What, you actually _want _dead flies in your butter?" Theoden looked horrified, but then recovered his cool demeanor."When last I looked, Théoden, not Aragorn, was King of Rohan."

They silently agreed to a staring contest.

Eowyn looked. Gimli burped and wiped his mouth with his beard. Aragorn and Théoden stared. Gandalf waited. Aragorn and Théoden stared.

Finally, Gandalf broke the silence by saying, "Then what is the King's decision?"

After the arrangements for the trip to Helm's Deep had been made, they ate a small meal - including, to the chagrin of Merry who was just off set, grilled mushrooms. Then, everyone went into hurry packing mode. Treebeard would have been thoroughly befuddled, had he seen it.

As it was, a studios field mouse was watching from one of the high windows in the roof. He watched the goings-on with interest, for he was a scout for the Rohan League of Field Mice, and he was supposed to find out more about packing things away, by watching these humans. His name was Harry.

While he watched and took notes, however, something else caught his eye. One of the _homo sapiens _females had taken a sword out of a box and was swinging it around. Then one of the men came up and blocked it.

'Now I have the perfect oppurtunity to witness human courting behavior!' thought Harry.

The man and woman looked at each other strangely, and started talking. The woman bobbed her head up and down a bit while she talked. At length, the man walked away.

"Poofhumph!" huffed Harry, putting away his notebook. "I'm going back to report to Mouse Pad 24."

As the stream of people that made up Edoras passed a lake some time later, Gimli was

giving Eowyn some Dwarvish education, when suddenly his horse bolted and he fell off in a graceful arc. Eowyn immediately went into motherly mode, and ran over to see if he was hurt.

He professed to be fine, but she insisted on doctoring him, and a month later he was still trying to get that danged ointment out of his beard.

a/n: What say ye? (u're supposed to say Aye!) I'm really sorry this chapter is so short, and I'm not sure how funny it is, but I couldn't write more, because I ran out of funny juice. How I'm doing this story is that I get a friend to give me 7 random words, and I build the chapter around that. This accounts for randomness! Review please, and I'll see you next time!


	5. Mandos Have My Visa

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it. Oh and I have nothing against Sam's Club either, it just seemed to fit.

To Erulasse: Your review was funnier than my story! Is that even legal?! I almost died laughing! Yes, I totally agree about the donuts... and the cheese, but 'pretzels' was one of the words my friend gave me, so I had to use it (see a/n of ch. 4). I don't have the Lumberjack Song, but I'll try to get it, my friend has a big green fuzzy top hat, I can just imagine Legsie in it! snurt The latter part of this chapter's for you mellon-nin, I hope you don't mind my use of your idea! Thank you and enjoy!

To Tears of the Flames: Thank you and I hope you enjoy this!

Let's get on with it, shall we?

**Chapter Five: Mandos Have My Visa**

All went well and was exceedingly boring after Gimli's little incident, until, one day…

"Chi è stato sedere nella mia sedia?" ha detto il Piccolo Orso. "E chi è stato mangiare la mia crema d'avena?"

"Eh… le sbagliata storia, spiacente, spiacente, wrong, wrong story, very sorry," said the little Italian man, as he hurriedly packed his briefcase and scurried away.

"GET ON WITH IT!" "Oh, anyway, on to chapter five, which is a smashing chapter with some lovely acting, in which - oolp!"

Háma and Gamling rode ahead of the main body of people, scouting the land for danger. They were skirting a cliff, when suddenly, Háma's horse snorted and shied backwards away from the cliff.

"What is it? Háma?" questioned Gamling.

"I'm not sure." Lines of worry were etched into Gamling's face. He looked around for the source of his horse's nervousness, but saw nothing.

"LOOK UP, YOU IDIOT, LOOK UP! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT NOBODY EVER LOOKS UP?!" screamed 50 crazed fangirls off set.

He did look up – but too late. A Sam's Club catalog flew down and hit him in the face, knocking him from atop his horse. He yelled as the evil paper came towards him, but just as it was about to engulf him in its evil money-making schemes, a miraculous arrow whizzed down out of the sky, felling it where it fell (_a/n: don't ask_).

Gamling helped him up, and they made all haste back to the rest of the group, hoping against hope that they could be the first bearers of the ill news – but they were foiled once again, by some dude out of the North who thought he was King of Gondor!

Aragorn skidded down the hill.

"Sam's Club! We're under attack!" he yelled frantically, effectively sending the whole population of Rohan's Capital into panic.

Théoden took control of the situation.

"All riders to the head of the column," he called. He marshaled about 30 riders, and then rode over to Éowyn.

"You must lead the people to Helm's Depp," he told her.

"But it's not in my idiom! I can fight!" she protested.

"No!" he said forcefully. "You must do this, for me."

Something in his eyes told her to behave. She dropped her hands from her horse's mane, and gave Hasufel's reins to Aragorn. He jumped on, and rode halfway up the hill, then stopped and looked back. For one fleeting moment, Éowyn felt all mushy inside, but quickly recovered and led the people on.

A great battle ensued, during which the forces of materialism threatened to overtake the men. They fought violently and valiantly, but not many could hold their own over Saruman's overly happy salespeople and low, low price guarantees.

Éowyn walked through the miniature streets of Helm's Depp, overseeing the feeding, housing and storing, while getting rather annoyed at the endlessly repeated motifs of the famous warrior, Depp. She sat down on a pile of horse rugs and started talking aloud to a bubble because she was bored.

"I swear, this is worse than the JFK airport terminal at Christmas! Only, here, you can't even find decent plumbing," she mumbled. "And if I see one more potato, I'm going to kick it all the way to Mordor!"

The bubble didn't answer.

"Who art thou, most worthy bubble? I charge thee to give us thy name!"

She stared at it for a moment, and then almost had a heart attack. It answered.

"We are King Bouncy, of the provincial estate of Bubbles. We have come to answer your plea. See!" it said. "Here we give you a basket of Delphiniums, to deal with as you will. They are better than potatoes! Good bye."

The bubble floated away, leaving the stunned Éowyn to regard said basket of delphiniums on her lap. She began eating them ravenously, and when she was finished she potted the rest and set them on the outer walls of the Hornburg. When King Bouncy came back and asked her what in all of Arda was she doing, she told it that her battle strategy would be revealed only to Théoden King.

She was back down in the tiny streets when the remnants of the small army that had battled Sam's Club rode in.

"So few, so few of you have returned," she said, looking anxiously over the heads of the people.

"Our people are safe," he answered staunchly.

Gimli waddled over to her.

"My lady," he said shakily.

She turned to him with a strange look in her eyes. "Lord Aragorn; where is he?"

"He fell," he said, then started to rant - in Italian. "Un altro un perso! Abbiamo pensato la nostra Amicizia era indelebile, ma comincia a guardare piuttosto immangiabile ed irriconoscibile! Dapprima era Gandalf, poi Boromir ed i Hobbit, poi l'altro due hobbit, ed adesso Aragorn! Che noi sono fare, oh ciò che sono noi fare..." he trailed off and comforted Éowyn by stroking her long golden hair. He had a thing for long golden hair.

Being his close friends, Gimli, Legolas and Éowyn went into mourning for a day and a night, sleeping on frozen pillows and stroking each others long golden hair. Oookay....

_Aragorn lay on a stony beach near the river. The sun shone relentlessly, and the water rippled on and on. He felt almost_ _at peace with the world, until..._

"DEE DEE DEE! DEE DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE! DEE DEE - " He sat bolt upright, the high-pitched, annoying tune of his cell phone's "Spam Song" ring tone jolting him back to reality.

"Hello?"

"Eh, hello?"

"Ah! Where are you, my dear boy?"

" groan I could probably ask you the same question, Gandalf, but I'm lying at the bottom of a river gorge, feeling like I'm about to die. I've been having a lovely time, visited Mandos, came back to my cell ringing..."

"Well, I suppose I shall see you tommorrow then. Your horse is right behind you if you'd bother to look, and there's an Uruk-Plaque army on the way to Helm's Depp, so you'd better get a move on already! Good bye, and good luck!" With that the wizard hung up on him.

He mounted his horse, and rode hard toward Helm's Depp, encountering the plaque-covered Uruk-Hai on the way, and having to take a detour to get past them.

Aragorn entered the outer hall of the Hornburg.

Legolas walked over to him, calm, cool and collected, and told him serenely, "You're late. You look terrible. How'd you get Mandos to let you off, anyway?"

Aragorn smiled and chuckled, "I gave him my Visa."

Legolas shook his head and gave him Arwen's pendant.

"Once they get to the wall, we shall dropthe flower pots upon their heads, stunning them and making them drop onto other Uruks, therefore stunning them... the old chain reaction theory."

Theoden looked up from discussing battle strategy with Eowyn as the doors to the great hall of the Hornburg flew open dramatically, and there, silouhetted against the sunlight pouring in, stood Aragorn, waiting to be acknowledged.

After Aragorn told Théoden the news, the King wanted to know how many.

"How many?"

"There's going to be 10,000 of the freaky things everwhere, and they're gonna be crawling and you're never going to be able to get away from them and they're going to be little action figures on every toy shelf all over the world and there's gonna be thousands of them and little kids will pick them up from shelves and we'll be put on display in Movie Gallery as cardboard standups, and there's going to be thousands of the freaky things everywhere..."

"How many?"

"10,000 of the evil rubber prosthetics will be hanging in trucks ready to go and there's going to be 10,000 of them in massive computer programs, and we'll be there too, and you'll never be able to get away from them, we're going to be hanging from mobiles in little kids bedrooms and teenage girls will scream every time they see us!!"

"DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE - "

"Somebody answer the phone for broccoli's sake!"

a/n: I HAVE SLIGHTLY REVISED THIS CHAPTER, i.e. I have taken some off the end because it just didn't fit. That's it.

Hi y'all! You don't have to read this if you don't want to! The writing part of my brain was pretty slow for the past week, but I finally got this out of me system! That last part is from Bernard Hill's commentary on the TT EE DVD, I kind of... cough...replaced certain parts for the sake of decency. I always crack up on his commentary. I'm happy: 1) I'm going to get ROTK: EE on Monday, I can't wait! I am soooooo excited, and jealous of all the people in the UK who got it like 4 days before we in the US did! and 2) My plumbing got fixed! Yay! Okay, well, enough from me,

The Lovely Fluff ArchimedesFactotum


	6. Strawberryscented Shampooeyness

To My Wonderful Reviewers

Erulasse: Thank you for the lumberjack song, I'm sorry I wasn't able to use it in this chapter, but I'll think of somewhere to fit it in in future. As for the rest of your review….well, just….thanks, I guess! Hail Barney!

ShellMel: Thankies thankies, recognition and praise just make my day… did you know, dogs also crave recognition and praise?

fetch-thranduilion: Sorry I didn't specify, I meant Visa as in credit card. That's the whole point! Aragorn gave Mandos his credit card as kind of a ransom payment, so he could keep his life back in M E. hope that cleared it up 4 ya.

blaze-firestorm: Oh…my…god, that is an extremely funny (yet at the same time unbelievably scary) story! I mean, like, Arrie's already got 2 girls hanging on him in his own world…the crotch thing was just…like…weird…but anyway thank you very much for your reviews and I hope you enjoy chap. 6.

mrsblonde1503: have no idea what you said, but thanks anyway! hehehehehehehe!

Now, on wi' de' chappitterie!

Chapter 6: Strawberry-Scented Shampooeyness

Aragorn walked around inspecting things and looking important alongside Théoden, who was coincidentally also looking important, with his chest stuck out so far that he kept tripping over inanimate objects, such as rocks, children, and loaves of bread. After a while the people started to deliberately put loaves of bread in his way so he would trip over them, and after he had touched them the people would sell them on Ebay as "loaves of bread touched by the King," and so invented the practice of selling items that had (supposedly) once been within the required 50-foot radius of a celebrity.

Aragorn was pale and feverish, which Legolas noticed.

"Aragorn, you must rest," he urged. "You're no us to us half alive!"

The man in question turned and looked at him with a haggard expression.

"Don't you get it yet? My one love is leaving me forever, I'm trying hard not to fall in love with another woman, the other woman isn't helping, and it looks like I and all my friends are going to die before morning, so, in short, I'm depressed. I am going to completely expend my strength now to save others, so that when I die of exhaustion there will be somebody to mourn me. Get it?"

"Got it."

"Good!"

_ 4 HOURS LATER_

"Farmers, farriers, stable boys. These are no soldiers," Aragorn lamented as he walked away from okay-ing weapons. "And look at their weapons: chopsticks? spatulas? These are no fighting implements; they look more like kitchen implements, as do the men."

"Most have seen too many falls on the linoleum," Gimli observed in a low voice.

"Or too few. Look at them. They're frightened of pain. You can see it in their eyes. And they should be: 300, against 10,000?" Legolas stated, once more proclaiming himself as The One and Only Captain Obvious! Aragorn was too dense to realize that Legolas was asking a rhetorical question, so he answered it.

"They have a better chance defending themselves here than at Edoras," he replied in Elvish.

Captain Obvious was unconvinced. "They cannot pin dis plight. They are all going to be made into pie!" he said despairingly.

"Then I shall die as one of them!" Aragorn yelled back at him. He looked at Legolas, and then turned on his heel and left the room.

Legolas tried to follow, but in the process slipped on the linoleum and garnered a beautiful bruise on his backside. "Nothing I haven't had before; I'm not afraid of pain!" he said cheerfully.

In a different who-knows-where of Helm's Depp, the King was readying himself so he would look important on the field of battle.

"Every villager able to wield scissors or a chopstick has been sent to the armory," Gamling informed him, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "My Lord?"

"Who am I, Gamling?" Théoden seemed a bit deranged, but Gamling was smart enough to know that you have to be very careful in humoring crazy people, so he answered:

"You are our King, Sire."

"And do you trust your King?"

"Your men, my Lord, will follow you to whatever end."

"To whatever end," murmured Théoden, with a grimly pleased tone. Then, to Gamling's surprise, he started singing…

"_There's something happenin' here,_

_What it is, ain't exactly clear,_

_There's an orc with a sword over there,_

_a-Tellin' me, I got to beware…_

_I think it's time we Stop, Children,_

_What's that sound, everybody watch Rohan go down..."_

He trailed off, then turned and smiled at Gamling wanly. It was going to be a long night.

In yet another who-knows-where of Helm's Depp, Aragorn sat on some steps and watched young boys being prepared for battle by older warriors. One boy was handed a sword and looked at it confusedly. He didn't seem to know what to do with it.

"Give me your sword," Aragorn told him. He swung it around a couple of times, then concentrated very hard for a few seconds and succeeded in drawing a pink elephant in the air.

"You see that?" he told the boy, going over to stand next to him and pointing to the odd-looking 2-D mammalian specimen. "That," he said forcefully, "is a pink elephant. I'm not sure why, but that is supposed to signify that there is always hope." He clapped the boy on the shoulder, handed him his sword back, and disappeared down some steps, leaving behind a thoroughly bemused but very much encouraged young Soldier of Rohan.

He walked down the steps and into a chamber in which he had temporarily stored his battle gear. Just as he was about to reach for his double-whammy orc-choppin' battle-winnin' Elven-named fire-breathin' butt-kickin' trusty-with-no-rusty sword, it was handed to him by Legolas.

"Forgive me; I was wrong to despair," said the worthy elf.

"There is nothing to forgive," Aragorn said with a smile. They clasped each other on the shoulders in a gesture of goodwill, and just as slash fans were about to start holding their breathsesssss, Gimli waddled in with chain-mail stuck in a bundle across his chest. He looked rather like a little dwarf-woman and Legolas and Aragorn had a hard time to keep from laughing.

"If I had time I'd get this adjusted…" he trailed off as the hopelessly long mail slid to the floor. "It's a little tight across the chest," he observed, while looking helplessly at the others, who were still having a hard time of not smiling.

Suddenly, a horn sounded through the thick walls. "That is no orc horn," Captain Obvious deduced in yet another brilliant deduction. Duh; of course the screenwriters couldn't bring in the Uruk-Plaque when Gimli only had his armor half on.

Anyway Legolas immediately ran out of the room, closely followed by Aragorn, leaving Gimli stranded in his completely dysfunctional chain mail. "Pfft, always happens," he muttered to himself, and waddled over to the plush couch complete with 50-inch TV equipped with a DVD player and shelvescontaining every movie made in the history of man (_except _LOTR, of course, because then he would have to watch it, and that would make the plot line of this story too complicated to comprehend, and Gimli would become a mary-sue).  
"Well, maybe getting left behind isn't so bad after all," he chuckled heartily.

"Open the gate!" yelled a guard, and the great doors creaked open, revealing the 1,000 or so elves who marched inside in formation, their leader falling back and out of the line to greet the King, who had just come down some stairs (lot of stairs in that place).

"How is this possible?" queried the awestruck Théoden.

"I bring word, from Elrond of Rivendell. An alliance once existed between Elves and Men. Long ago, we fought, and died, together. We come to honor that allegiance," he said as he shifted his gaze to Aragorn who was now practically jogging down the stairs (funny how that man has a tendency to hurry up and down stairs; methinks he's afraid of stairs).

"Mae Govannen, Haldir!" he said. "You are most welcome." As he said the last part, he looked over to where four Elves were carrying a bathtub towards a passage which led into the chamber with the complete home entertainment system. He turned back to Haldir with a questioning gaze.

"Oh, that," he said with a smirk. "Elven non-secret. Do you not wonder how we keep looking so nice all the time? Well it ain't magic," he ended as two elves walked past carrying ten Wal-Mart bags full of strawberry-scented shampoo. Suddenly there was a blood-curdling scream, and the laughter quickly died on Aragorn's lips. He and Haldir exchanged a look, and ran up the stairs towards the origin of the sound. They rounded the corner into the chamber where the Elves had carried the bathtub, and were met with one of those once-in-a-lifetime hilarity scenarios.

Gimli sat on the floor, covered in pink strawberry-scented shampoo. The room fairly reeked of it. Opposite to him was an elf, presumably one of the ones who had helped carry in the washing accessories. His golden hair was – unbelievably – standing up on end, like he had put on a shirt which contained a lot of static; of course this may have been partly due to the fact that he was hanging from the rafters in the ceiling, his knuckles white with the effort. Haldir immediately rushed to his comrade, while Aragorn tiptoed carefully through the spilled shampoo, eventually reaching his friend.

"Gimli?" He shook the dwarf. Gimli opened his eyes – and his nose.

"Eeeuuuguffempufflleduffmedifuddlebathtubelfy!" he roared incredulously. "Baruk Khazad!"

Aragorn stared at him. "D'what?" he asked. "Gimli, what happened?"

"Well I'll tell ya," said the dwarf after sitting up and recovering from his momentary shock. "This here Elf is too flighty to be around battle, that's what. He comes in 'ere, quiet like, carryin' a wallopin' big bag o' this here disgusting goop, and when he sees me, perfectly normal, doing my yoga, he gives a yell, see, and that startled me and brought me down to the floor, but not before this here Elf" – here he sent a dirty look in his direction – "drops his bag o' bottles, and I fell and rolled in 'em, so there it is."

Haldir had succeeded in getting the other elf down from the ceiling, and he now stood in the middle of the room looking sheepish.

"What he says is truth; I was so startled that I dropped my bag of strawberry-scented shampoo, and he had the great misfortune to collide with it," he said meekly.

"Wait a minute," said Aragorn, his brows creasing into thoughtful lines. "Gimli, did you say you do yoga?"

15 minutes later all four of the companions had very light heads and very sore stomach muscles – laughter can conquer anyone if they do it hard enough.

1,300 soldiers, Elven and Rohirric, stood on the battlements of Helm's Depp. The women and children were safe in the caves; for that they were glad, for the Uruk-Plaque could now be seen, marching relentlessly towards the mighty fortress that was the last wall between them and Rohan's survival.

1,300 soldiers were briefly illuminated in the first flash of lightning; 1,300 soldiers sighed when the first few drops of rain tinkled on their armor. Things looked about as bleak as possible; 1,300 soldiers reflected upon how strange it was that one night could change the fortunes of the world.

One of the elves started humming, softly at first, then rising into full-fledged song.

"_Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad;_

_Some things just make swear and curse._

_When you're feeling in the dumps,_

_Don't be silly, chumps,_

_Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing,_

_And…" _Here the elves on either side of him joined in, and in turn the elves next to them caught on, and the singing spread like wildfire. Eventually Gimli's deep baritone could be heard among the beautiful voices of the elves, belting out the song with real enthusiasm. Legolas laughed next to him: he could still smell the strawberry-scented shampoo. He would be known ever after as the living air freshener.

The Uruk-Plaque could hear something, only a hum at first, but then it rose into raucous singing, floating down upon them from the battlements.

"_Always look on the bright side of life!_

_Always look on the bright side of life!_

_Always look on the bright side of death!_

_A-Just before you draw your terminal breath!_

_Life's a piece of dung,_

_When you look at it,_

_Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true;_

_You'll see it's all a show, _

_Keep on laughing as you go, _

_Just remember that the last laugh is on you!_

_And…"_

It went on raining.

The Uruk-Plaque were dumbfounded, but their captains drove them on. They only stopped when they were within a bowshot of the walls. Everything went quiet. Then they started they blood-chilling war taunt; they used no words, they didn't need them. All they had to do was beat their spears in time on the hard earth, pounding fear into their enemies' hearts.

One weak old man suddenly let go his arrow. It flew as if in slow motion toward the Uruk lines; when it hit, the sound of metal piercing metal was almost sickening. The Uruks growled and yelled and ran towards the walls.

They relentlessly pulled ladders up on to the battlements, but as the first orc neared the top, he suddenly felt a thud on his helm, then he fell back with a groan, stunned, onto his comrades coming up the ladder behind him. The same thing was happening all up and down the battlements; each time an orc neared the top, he was hurled back by a flower pot full of delphiniums. Soon, however, the Uruks below started using their powerful crossbows to send black-feathered arrows hurtling up to smite the flowerpot throwers.

We will leave them there, in the blackness, rain pelting down upon them – hey, at least it's keeping the dirt off!

Author's Note: I am sosososososososososososo sorry for not updating in so long! I feel so guilty, I know what it's like when an author doesn't update for weeks and weeks… I've just been extremely busy lately, and every time I sat down to the computer I had to get up again, so I just never got it done. Hopefully I've made up for my tardiness in quality and length of this chapter – 6 pages, phew! Anyway, dinner calls…

ArchimedesFactotum


	7. In Which the MarySue is introduced

**Answers to reviews**

ShellMel: Ya know, I thought the same thing about Gimli! And I take you up on it! Check out me other story, it's kinda dormant right now but I did do one chappie! Go see, go see. Will update it soon!

fetch-thranduilion: All Hail Captain Obvious! And Company!

Mortified Penguin: luv yo name! Glad you thought it was funny! I'm trying to make it funny, but I guess that's kinda obvious huh… actually, the mouse _does _judge the entire homo sapiens race by Aragorn and Eowyn's conduct. Got to watch yerself around mice!

Legolas's Girl 9: I'm glad you got that part! Read on (luv yo name too!)

Mirowood: I never thought of that! But come to think of it, that is what it's like! Hope you enjoy some more.

Chapter 7: In which the Mary-Sue is introduced (don't worry, mary-sue haters!)

It was 2:00 in the morning, everybody was muddy, exhausted, and bored, and the battle looked like it was taking a turn for the worse. Aragorn was doing a good job of rallying the troops and trying to keep up their spirits, but even his own were dropping steadily. The potted delphiniums had all but disappeared, and the elves had even started to run out of arrows.

As I was saying, the battle looked like taking a turn for the worse, when quite suddenly several things happened. The sun popped over the brow of the hill, sending it's brilliant rays filtering into the mass of Uruk-Hai. This gave the men and elves new hype, and they miraculously started pulling jellybeans and spaghetti out of their pockets and grinding it in the faces of the Uruks.

All except Aragorn: he reasoned that such dirty tactics were below him, and secretly he had no idea how to miraculously pull jellybeans and spaghetti out of his pockets, so instead said to the Uruk currently attacking him, "Hairy! I'm going to call you Hairy! Ha ha! Hairy like a dwarf! Yaaa-hahahahahaha!"

To his surprise, the Uruk (who's name, incidentally, was Urgkirk), smiled at him warmly. "Thank you, kind sir! I hath all my time longed for to be a sumptuous Dwarf, and I am most gratitudinous that you hath granted me the honor of being called by that race-name. I must now go find some pie! Farewell!" and with that, Urgkirk the Uruk (who was incidentally captain of the 10,000 Uruks), shook Aragorn's hand and backed down the ladder the way he had come.

Hundreds of Uruks followed suit, knocking each other to the ground as they descended butt-first back down to Terra Firma. Urgkirk headed the charge towards nothing, what would later be called the Hunt for Pie, as the Uruks gradually started a chant:

"PIE! PIE! GO-O PIE! PIE! PIE! LOVELY PIE! PIE! PIE…"

So they chanted, as they marched relentlessly in all different directions in the Hunt for Pie.

The Men and Elves stared at their enemies retreating backs in shock, then promptly began a chant of their own:

"HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!", with Aragorn joining in whole-heartedly – he had, after all, just saved the whole populous of Rohan from the hands of it's enemies, a nice little accomplishment under his belt when he would have to show his 'credentials' to the statesmen of Gondor.

Suddenly he felt something very heavy barrel into him a high speed, knocking him to the ground with a veritable "OOFTHUDFLUMPGAH!"

After lying still for several seconds, because he was a Ranger and his training had included what to do if a wild animal attacked you, he was fairly sure that it was no animal that was currently sitting unceremoniously on his back, judging by the groans coming from the lump of weight. After a few more seconds, he said as solemnly as possible with his face smashed into the stone floor,

"Excuse me, but would you very much mind removing your person from mine, as my buttocks have begun to fall asleep?"

No sooner had he finished his sentence, than he heard a muffled "Yikes!" from atop him, and felt the weight scramble to one side. He got up and dusted himself off, then turned to inspect the personage who had so unceremoniously landed themselves on top of him. What he saw surprised him immensely: a young girl, he gauged about 15, sat looking slightly dazed on the stone floor. Her garb was strange, and seemingly much too warm for the season: a strange-colored woolen scarf was wrapped around her neck, and she was wearing trousers – most unladylike, he thought to himself.

Looking up, he realized that quite a throng had gathered around them to see the spectacularity. 'Ah ha,' he thought with surprising clarity, 'now would be yet another opportune moment to make a show of my authority!' and he immediately put said plan into action.

"Who are you, child, and where do you come from?" he demanded.

The girl shook herself, and smiled up at him brightly. "My real name's Mariannah Suzannah Joanna, but ya know what? Y'all can just call me Teddy! So: I'm Teddy, and I'm from northeastern Texas. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Uuuhhhh…." She looked searchingly at his face, and finally he recovered enough from the shock to say regally, "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, but erm… you can just call me Strider," he finished up hastily.

"Hm, nice name," said Teddy distractedly. Aragorn now noticed that she had flaming orange hair. "So, what is this place, Strider? And do you have any idea at all how I got here?" As she looked at him, the questioning wrinkles in her forehead got noticeably more pronounced, and they kept deepening as she waited for her answer. It took Aragorn a few moments to register that she had asked him a question, but he did eventually come round – only to find that said girl had sat back down and had covered her ears with some round black things of an unknown material. He bent down and tapped her shoulder.

She looked up brightly. "Ah! It's you again! Glad to have you back, Strider! Thought I'd lost you there for a moment! Got the answers to those two easy questions?"

This time he had gained his wits back enough to answer her immediately, and told her, "You are currently sitting on the paving stones of Helm's Depp, the Hornburg, Rohan, west of Middle Earth. And as to your other question, I really have no idea. Now some questions for you: what in Middle Earth are those things over your ears? And why is your hair such an odd colour?"

Teddy giggled. "What? You never heard of a CD player before? Wowie! But then again, I _am _in Middle Earth, so I suppose not… Strider, before you is a CD player. It plays music without instruments – not magical, but certainly miraculous. And about my hair: I dyed it orange for a party, and then I figured out that I had used permanent dye, so POOF! Now I have orange hair! Always remember, I have a personality the consistency of a carrot peeler, so watch out at all times for my craziness, Strider, watch out…" This last bit was said barely above a hiss while holding onto Aragorn's shirt.

Suddenly, Teddy burst out laughing, letting go of Aragorn's shirt and nearly doubling over from mirth. "The… look… on… your… face," she gasped through the laughter racking her body, "that was just plain PRICELESS! Don't worry about me," she continued when she had got her breath back, "I'm not really crazy, I'm just fun-loving! I think I could teach you some things about fun," she ended mysteriously.

URGKIRK'S STORY

The Uruks led by Urgkirk plunged into the newly rooted forest outside of Helm's Depp, still chanting "PIE! PIE!" and marching. Suddenly some of the Uruks found themselves whacked in the face by the branches, and, after they had been stunned, were picked up and buried by the trees.

Others were a little luckier: Urgkirk, for example. He was a little hardier by nature than some of the others, so when the tree whacked him in the head, he wasn't stunned; in fact, he merely experienced a profound clearing of the senses. As the tree picked him up, he told it politely, "Excuse me, most worthy sir, but are you in the posession of a _pie _? I am most dreadfully malnourished."

At this the tree-like being answered, "I am Treebeard. I shall now turn you into a dwarf and give you some pie, as your heart was not meant to be in the posession of an Uruk's body. Good day!" and Urgkirk was promptly set down.

He noticed happily that the ground seemed quite a bit closer than it had been previously.

End of Chapter 7

Author's Note: Hi! I'm not dead, not dead! I don't want to go on the cart! Hopefully you enjoyed all that randomness. and I am a weebl and bob fan, in case you were wondering. Don't worry, this is NOT going to become a mary-sue: she's just going to make things a little more crazy in my Middle Earth. Next up: Gandalf and Teddy sing the Lumberjack Song! (monty python fans, ya know what ah'm on about)

Mare


	8. Anachronisms, murders, and randomness, o...

AUTHOR'S NOTE! (or, I believe I owe y'all an explanation)

On the Mary Sue: I finally realized that she just did not fit in my story! I hated doing that as soon as I posted the chapter, and the reason my update took so long was because I was angsting about what I was going to do with her. Also, the fact that now I'm getting into RotK, and that's hard because now Gandalf's leaving again and I had to decide whether to go with books or movies, so anyway it's hard! So, I've done something very cruel – I'm going to kill Teddy off. Yah, cruel, but essential to my sanity, and she was just going to make things more complicated and become one of those tag-alongs that I hate so very very much. I may just write a Mary Sue with her in it, but she doesn't fit here. Okay, now I've cleared that up…

Disclaimer: I also realized I've been forgetting to put one of these. I don't own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters therein, I'm just playing around in Tolkien's world. Ya happy? No? Well poo on ya then. Just kidding – just don't sue me.

Oh and thank-you's –

Faerlas: thank you I'm glad you think it's funny!

Kitty and Kenny (er, just Kitty actually): Yah you can use the ECC as I said before! Let's spread the word, dwarves are dirty!

Thanx a lot, you guys are the ones that keep me going.

And now, the long-awaited…

* * *

Chapter 8: Anachronisms (or, the chapter in which the Mary Sue is killed off, humanely of course)

After the battle of Helm's Depp, the villagers all went back to their respective homes, to rebuild and rekindle life on the grassy plains. The King, the Not King Yet, Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli, Eomer, and about 30 knights rode to Isengard at Gandalf's bidding, knowing not what they would find there. What they found there was not what they were expecting to find there, although they should not have been expecting anything, as they knew not what they would find there. Ahem. What they found there:

The Company rode through the once great outer gate, that now lay by the road, twisted and ruined. The Ents had done their work well, as there were great gaping holes in the walls everywhere, and the interior acres surrounding the Pinnacle of Orthanc were drenched like a Volkswagen in a flooded river.

As they neared a pile of rubble, Legolas saw with his keen eyes two figures, although they were nearly hidden to the others because they blended so well with their surroundings. Merry and Pippin had seen them first, however, and Merry stood up and started reciting as the company reached the rather large mound of dirty popcorn he and Pippin were reclining on.

"Welcome, my Lords," he emphasized regally, "to Isengard!"

Aragorn smiled. He had missed the hobbits' unquenchable cheeriness at Helm's Depp. Maybe he would run a big hobbit kennel when he became King. Suddenly, he found everyone staring at him – "Did I say that out loud?" he wondered out loud. Gandalf shook his head sadly. "Poor boy," he said, mostly to himself. "Poor boy: with your insanity, I hope you manage to sanely gain the throne. Erm," he cleared his throat and said a little louder, "Proceed!"

"You young rascals!" rang out from behind him. "You've led us on and now we find you feasting, and…and…smoking!" Gimli stared hungrily at the mound of dirty popcorn.

"We are sitting on the field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned comforts," Pippin responded indignantly, emphasizing the latter for the pity effect. He got no such thing.

Gandalf scolded him, and told Pippin to get in the Porsche, Shadowfax, while Merry got on Brego with Aragorn – more than a little hesitantly. After all, after hearing that this guy has thoughts about treating your race like dogs, would you feel safe in close proximity to him? And also, Legolas had taught about the Elves' Code of Cleanliness some time ago, and he couldn't help but notice that Aragorn was _very _dirty. But Merry knuckled down and bore it – if Legolas could bear Gimli, then Merry could bear Aragorn. But phewwweeeee, talk about aromatherapy!

The company rode through the twisted and burning wreckage, Legolas making little 'pungent!' faces and Aragorn occasionally looking around to see if anyone was watching him, and if they were he would spur his horse up to Gandalf and look important for a few minutes. Teddy, who was riding behind Éomer, suddenly slid off into a particularly dark and deep hole in the ground, flailing and screaming while she was sucked into the abyss. Nobody noticed, except that she was never again seen in Middle Earth.

So they continued, until finally they reached the base of the great rock. No one was in sight, so Gandalf opened his mouth to tell Saruman to come out – but Aragorn stopped him. "Can't I do it, just this once? I need the practice," he pleaded. "My lungs haven't really been used for three whole days!" Gandalf sighed and looked up at the sky as if to say, 'Valar, grant me patience…' He then nodded at Aragorn, and backed up so that Aragorn was now at the head of the column of riders.

"Saruman!" the Not King Yet thundered. "Saruman, come out! We've got hobbits, and you don't! nananananana!"

This was too much for Saruman, and he walked out onto a railed balcony about 60 feet above the heads of the accusers.

"Well?" he said suddenly. You see he had become rather bored stuck up in his tower, and enjoyed scaring the pants off people who were accusing him of stuff. "Why must you disturb my rest? Will you give me no peace at all by night or day? Or are you not content with my ruin, and have come to see the fruitage of you labors?" he sneered.

"Saruman, you are an idiot! My little rubber ducky has more brains than you do," shouted an outraged Gimli. "And what's more, carrots and potatoes are not what I'd call a romantic dinner!" Everyone turned to look at him after the latter comment, and he found himself getting very red in the face. "Hey, people, he's up there on the pedestal for you to look at, not me!" It worked – they all turned back to look up at the bored wizard.

A lot of talking between the Wizards and various other people followed, and many venomous words were exchanged, until finally, somehow, Saruman ended up on the very top of the tower, where many runes and such were carved into the black marble, and in past times he had been accustomed to go up on fair nights and study the stars.

Now, however, he had finally got fed up with the motley crew at the bottom of the stairs, and was having fun insulting them left and right. Finally, he was so bored that all of his sanity left him, and he took the great Palantir Coughdrop out of his sleeve and held it up for the world to see.

"See!" he said. "I forgot what I was going to say! Woah! Hey! Yeah! Is that legal? Am I sane?"

Grima now saw that Saruman was totally nuts, and therefore saw his chance. He crept slowly up behind the deranged wizard, while stealthily pulling a dagger from his sleeve. Just as Saruman was about to say something particularly nasty, Grima lost it and jumped on him and stabbed him and killed him! The now dead wizard tumbled off the pinnacle and flew gracefully downwards, until he was impaled on a nasty-looking spike. The Palantir Coughdrop slid silently into the water.

"So ends a miserable existence," Gandalf said gravely. "Well, now that that's over, is there any pipeweed about? I'm trying to quit, but all these toffeys are starting to make my mouth pucker."

Just as he was about to pick up and ride, Pippin suddenly slid out of the back seat of Shadowfax (he's a porsche, remember?) and splashed into the water. He waded over to near the big spike Saruman was impaled on, and picked something up out of the water. He held the giant Coughdrop, and looked deep into it's depths. It seemed to him that a red mist swirled about inside of the heavy oblong. Gandalf just had to ruin it, however: he snatched it away from Pippin as soon as you could say "Jack Rabbits!" and wrapped it safely in his cloak.

The company rode back through the watery wreckage, at length reaching the gates again. There they met a most interesting personage – Treebeard, eldest of the Ents.

"Haven't you forgotten someone?" he said meaningfully. "Master Wormtongue is still to be dealt with," he clarified after getting quizzical looks from Gandalf and Theoden.

"Of course," Aragorn said unenthusiastically. "How could we possibly forget _him_?"

Gimli, however, could hardly wait to see what mental and emotional damage had been done to Grima from The Ballerina Treatment. Sure enough, when they rode back they found him, standing on the steps, looking a mix of annoyed, irritated, humoruos, and downright mad. And, to Gimli's uttermost joy and satisfaction, he was still wearing the pink tights, leotard, and tutu – although, to all eyes they looked more brown now than pink, probably due to the pleasant little swim Treebeard had forced him to take when he arrived.

"Well," he said blandly, "off of the cutting board, into the pan, as we used to say as children – and that seems to be precisely the position I am in now!"

Gimli looked at him sarcastically piteously. "What, still not enjoying your new attire?" Legolas said from in front of him. "Why, but you must admit that you look undeniably like a beautiful elf-maiden in that wonderful ensemble! Would you like to go to the cinema for a late-night movie and dirty popcorn sometime?" The poor elf's mirth was now plain to see.

Grima had finally had enough. "I didn't go to the University of Communication Skills for nothing," he growled under his breath. "Good people, I am indebted to you for you kindly services. I ask only for one more favor – take me with you, please, and allow me to ride in your midst back to Edoras. I wish now only to live a long and peaceful life."

Théoden looked at him, dumbfounded. Suddenly a little Samwise action figure appeared on his shoulder from out of nowhere. "With your leave, Mr. Théoden, I'd say no! No, Mr. Théoden, no!" said the little plastic advisor. The King regained his wits, although he was still dumbfounded, though now at the little advisor at his shoulder.

He sighed heavily. He had made his decision. He slowly turned to look at Legolas. Their eyes met, and Théoden nodded sadly. Legolas took out an arrow, took aim, and shot Grima squarely in the butt. "AAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed the unfortunate victim. "WHAT THE HECK'S HAPPENED TO THIS CRAZY OLD WORLD! I try to be diplomatic, and you shoot me in the butt! Aaaahhhhhggggg, my lovely little dwarf-wife back home! And mother, darling mother! Good bye!" and with that, he promptly died.

"So ends another miserable existence," Gandalf said gravely again. "There wouldn't happen to be any pipeweed hidden about, would there? I seem to have left mine in me cloak back there."

And with that, the company rode back to the twisted and ruined gates and proceeded to gorge themselves on dirty popcorn and air that smelled like warm root beer (a/n: I salute weird al for that one).

Gandalf enjoyed himself with some well-earned pipeweed, Pippin enjoyed himself by stealing some mini-Palantir Coughdrops that an orc vendor was selling by the side of the road, and Aragorn got a good rest, while everyone else was very careful not to wake him for fear of disturbing the mental healing properties of sleep.

Eventually, the sun went down in a graceful arc, and the entire company fell asleep to await whatever evils the next day would bring.

Author's Note 2: Hola people! I know I'm messing with the storyline a lot, but then this is a crazy story… Reviewers, I'm not sure where to go with this story at this point, so I can use all the input you can spare! I know you've got some, just tell me! Reviewers get a giant bag of oreo's! Just click that lil' periwinkle button down there and to the left! K, til later, and l0oK for the next chapter real soon, it's already written out and on my pc!


	9. In which Monty Python makes an appearanc...

Disclaimer: HAH! I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I D---- thunk  
Gandalf: I hope that teaches you!  
Archie: eh, nah... (hides under desk chair and shoots neon pink string at Gandalf)...  
Gandalf: (smites Archie over the head with his staff) now THAT will teach you!  
Archie:Fine! I...don't...own...it...YAAAAHHHHHHHH! (shoots more string at Gandalf)

* * *

Allrighty then, chapter 9: dictionaryflyingatmyheadAAAAHHHHHH! (please don't ask…)

After camping out on the cold hard ground all night, with some kind of weird tree thingys going by and freaking everyone out, and then waking up a couple of hours later to a cold and cheerless breakfast and even colder fingers, the company of riders and various important people rode across the Isen and towards Meduseld.

The riding arrangements were as follows: Merry refused to ride with Aragorn and wanted to go with Théoden, but of course was denied because Théoden was a king and wouldn't have a freaky little hobbit riding at his tail, so in the end Merry rode with Éomer. Pippin wanted to ride with Aragorn, but of course was denied for no reason at all, and got stuck with Goosy Goosy Gandalf.

Legolas took Gimli, as always, and suffered severe nasal discomfort for it too. "When I'm king," he growled under his breath, "I'm going to enforce the ECC on all of Middle Earth, cause everybody knows" –here he started shouting- "DWARVES ARE DIRTY!" Luckily, almost no one heard him, except Gimli, who whacked Legolas on the back with the broad side of his axe, evoking a satisfying "YIKES!" from the poor elf.

So, with these arrangements, the company galloped over the plains towards Edoras, heedless of the fact that they could not in fact gallop for 3 days straight, they did it in 1 day anyway.

That night, there was a feast in the Golden Hall, honoring those that gave their lives to defend their people at Helm's Deep. Aragorn, however, was thinking of something else – the specter that he had first encountered, here in this very village, were haunting him again – only now, they were partying along with everyone else, and changing color every minute or two so they looked really cool. He finally decided to just ignore them.

After the whole incident with Aragorn, Éowyn looked after him fondly as he walked away. Her uncle came up behind her, spoiling the moment as always. "I am happy for you," he said for no reason at all. What is it with kings saying random stuff all the time anyway? "He is an honorable man," her uncle continued. "It was not Théoden of Rohan who led our people to victory. Ah," he sighed, seemingly coming back to the present, "Don't listen to-" here he was abrubtly cut off by a whirlwind of bright colors rushing up to him.

"Aaaaawwwwww, honey, are you feeling down on yourself? Do you wanna talk about it? Huh? You know, you're really a very strong, good, caring king, do you know that? Come on, you've gotta get your self-esteem up if you're gonna rule this country! Don't get down on yourself! Let's do some easy stress-relief and self-esteem building exercises, okay? Laugh with me!" Here, the overly enthusiastic slightly nutty counselor broke into maniacal giggles, and was dragged away by the other people in the room, leaving a slightly stunned King Théoden standing with an equally stunned Éowyn, only to be dragged back moments later.

"A counselor! A counselor! A counselor! We've got a counselor! A counselor!" the peasants cried as the hustled her along.

"We have found a Counselor, might we depress her?" said the apparent ambassador of the group.

"Depress her! Depress!" yelled the peasants.

"Eh, how do you know she is a counselor?" asked Théoden politely.

"She looks like one," rejoined the ambassador.

Théoden consented, "Bring her forward."

"I'm not a counselor, I'm not a counselor!" complained the unfortunate victim.

"But you are overly enthusiastic and bubbly like one," the King pointed out.

"They made me bubbly like this," the supposed Counselor claimed passionately.

"No, we didn't -- no," the crowd protested.

"And this isn't my demeanor, it's a false one!"

"Well?" Théoden enquired of the peasants.

The ambassador looked slightly sheepish. "Well, we did do the bubbliness."

"The bubbliness?"

"And the demeanor -- but she's a counselor!"

"Depress her! Counselor! Counselor! Depress her!" the crowd clamored.

THEODEN: "Did you enthuse her like this?"

PEASANTS: "No, no… no… yes. Yes, a bit, a bit."

AMBASSADOR: "She has got a happy disposition!"

THEODEN: "What makes you think she is a counselor?"

"Well, she turned me into a happy person!" claimed an obscure peasant.

"A happy person?" Théoden repeated, shocked.

"I got better," he added.

"Depress her anyway!" yelled the ambassador.

"Depress! Depress her!" yelled the crowd.

"Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a counselor!" Théoden explained.

"There are? What are they? Do they hurt?" asked the peasants eagerly.

"Tell me, what do you do with counselors?"

"Depress! Depress them down!" apparently the peasants were not entirely ignorant, if only on one point.

"And what do you depress apart from counselors?" Théoden should have been a philosopher!

"More witches!" the seemingly dumbest of the group said loudly, before being shushed by his friend, who said, after a moment's thought, "Steel!"

"So, why do counselors get depressed?"

After a long pause, the stupid peasant said slowly, "B-…'cuz they're made of steel?"

"Good!" the King commended.

"Oh, yeah, yeah," the crowd murmured.

"So, how do we tell, whether she, is made, of steel?" Théoden queried.

"Build a bridge out of her!" said the ambassador.

"Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?"

"Oh, yeah," said the peasants, and went back to ruminating on the answer.

THEODEN: "Does steel get happy?"

PEASANTS: "No, no. It gets depressed!"

THEODEN: "What also gets depressed?"

PEASANTS: "Bread!"

"Apples!"

"Very small rocks!"

"Cider!"

"Great gravy!"

"Cherries!"

"Mud!"

"Churches – churches!"

"Lead – lead!"

Suddenly, a wise voice spoke from off to the side. "Storm drains."

The crowd went "oooohhhhhh," dramatically.

THEODEN: "Exactly! So, logically…"

PEASANT #1: "If…she weighs…the same…as…a storm drain, she's…made of steel!"

THEODEN: "And therefore --?"

PEASANTS: "A counselor! A counselor! Depress her, depress her!"

After the peasants had gone off to render whatever judgement on the counselor they saw fit, Théoden turned to see who the Wise One was.

"Who are you, so learnéd in the ways of science?" he asked curiously.

"I am Aragorn, King of Gondor. And you already knew that! So there!" And with that, he stomped off to terrorize somebody.

"Well, anyway," Théoden continued his speech to Éowyn, "You are young, and tonight is for you." She smiled at him, and skipped (yes, skipped) off to find Aragorn.

* * *

Author's Note: okay people, I lied…this one wasn't exactly quick in coming, but I do have a good excuse! My computer crashed and so I lost this chapter, and haven't had time to re-write the whole thing, but I did get to do it finally. Yay! Okay, reviewers get……… A piece of chocolate cheesecake a mile high, a cardboard standup of Aragorn, a pumpkin with Legolas' face cut out of it, and a bag of Lord of the Rings trivia stuff the size of Iraq. M'kay? Bleh….Well hope you enjoyed that, although if you don't know Monty Python…well, then that was probably a very odd chappie for you! oh well. And remember --REVIEW! 


	10. Fear the big fluffy green top hat!

Disclaimer: don't own it. I don't own part of it. I don't own all of it. I don't own a word of Lord of the Rings. I am doing this for fun and not for profit. WHAT, DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK SOMEBODY'S GONNA WANNA BUY THIS STORY? Sheesh! Now that is really absurd!

Almost forgot to thank my reviewers!

Legolas' Girl 9: apparently you don't know Monty Python but tha's k! thanks heaps for reviewing!

RedDevil15: HA! NEW BLOOD! Thanks very much, fellow Python fan! here's some more for ya, hope to see more of you in future! thanx!

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Okay people, Chapter 10: O0, fear the big fluffy green top hat!

Late that night, after most of the men and hobbits were utterly and completely sloshed, Gimli lay on a bedroll, snoring soundly and happily while dreaming that Legolas was doing it. Said Elf was, however, doing no such thing, and was in fact not at all happy with Gimli for doing it either. So, he leapt deftly to his feet and silently made his way over to the intricately carved double doors.

As he stepped out onto the so-called 'porch' of the Golden Hall, he felt a very squeaky "eep!" rising in his throat. A profound wave of happy joyousness had just hit him like a brick wall, and he decided to just let the "eep!" out - heck, there wasn't anyone to hear him anyway! (except of course the guards, but they were supposedly! deaf and dumb anyway).

That was the best "eep!" he'd ever let out in his life. He immediately started dancing madly around the porch, meanwhile pulling a GIANT fluffy neon green top hat out of thin air and smashing it down on his head over his eyebrows. Then, not satisfied with pulling the coolest dance moves in the history of Middle Earth, he started singing at the top of his lungs.

"ba-doom ba-doom ba-doom,

I'm a pretty Elf and I'm okay,

I sing all night and I work all day!"

The doors creaked open behind him, and all the people that had previously been sleeping peeped out. When they got the drift of what the Elf was singing, they too nanced out onto the porch and started singing with him. It went something like this, plus about 25 very distinguished people madly jumping around in neon colored tuxes and big fluffy top hats:

LEGOLAS: "I'm a nancing elf and I'm okay,

I sing all night and I work all day!"

CHORUS: "He's a nancing elf and he's okay,

He sings all night and he works all day!"

LEGOLAS: "I cut down orcs, I eat my lunch,

I go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have burnt Lembas for tea!"

WARRIORS: "He cut down orcs, he eat his lunch,

He go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays he goes shopping, and has burnt Lembas for tea!"

CHORUS: "He's a nancing elf and he's okay,

He sings all night and he works all day!"

LEGOLAS: "I cut down orcs, I skip and jump,

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing, and hang around in Lorien."

WARRIORS: "He cuts down orcs, he skips and jumps,

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in Lorien!"

CHORUS: "He's a nancing elf and he's okay,

He sings all night and he works all day!"

LEGOLAS: "I cut down orcs, I wear mini skirts,

Suspendies, and a bra!

I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!"

WARRIORS: "He cuts down orcs, he wears mini skirts?

Suspendies…and a bra?"

Here there was some commotion as the assembled company temporarily forgot the song and muttered confusedly about this new information. Some order was re-assembled, however, and they finished the song without incident…

CHORUS: "He's a nancing elf and he's okay,

He sings all night and he works all day!"

As the song ended, Gimli gave a great drum roll impression from off to the side and the curtain that came out of nowhere fell in front of the miraculously-formed-into-3-lines warriors, with Legolas in front, taking off his big fluffy neon green top hat again and again and curtsying repeatedly as the curtain was rolled up time after time, the audience of the Army of the Dead giving the new-found performers a 10-minute standing ovation from the streets of Edoras, where hundreds of cheap fold-up chairs had been placed prior to the performance, even though no one knew it was coming but hey who cares? It was good!

After the rest of the performers had gone back to bed, seeing as how it was now about 2 in the morning, Legolas (minus his performance outfit) stood still on the edge of the stone porch, studying the sky miles away.

Unbeknownst to the elf, as he was so intent on the sky, Aragorn was creeping up silently behind him. Suddenly he jumped 3 feet in the air and shouted in Legolas' ear, "Free at last, free at last! Thank God for mushrooms, I'm free at last!" Legolas too jumped 3 feet in the air, and let out a very deep and manly (for once!) "YAAAAHHHHHH!" as his fair Elven complexion turned interesting shades of white, red and blue in quick succession.

On hearing the commotion outside her bedroom window, Eowyn came running out to see… well, er, what the commotion was. As she stood just inside the door, however, Aragorn barreled into her and then muttered a quick apology while continuing to barrel through the throne room and down the hall to the room where everyone was sleeping. He was not a moment too early…

"Pippin!"

There was a most terrifying scene going on in the makeshift 'bedroom'. Pippin had apparently got hold of the Palantir Coughdrop while Gandalf was sleeping, and it had stuck to his hands so bad he couldn't get it off. Then Sauron appeared in the globular cough relief medicine, and was trying to possess Pippin. The poor hobbit writhed and twisted on the cold floor, yelling things that sounded suspiciously like "AAAHHHHH!" and "AAAHHHH!" and "AAAHHHH-EEEEEEEE!".

Aragorn, after surveying the situation, jumped over the sleeping forms on the ground and knelt beside Pippin, forcefully ripping the evil cough drop from the hobbit's grasp. He had underestimated the power of the Palantir Coughdrop however, and as it stuck to his hands it felt as if it burned with the fires of a thousand evils! He broke out in a cold sweat and promptly fainted. Legolas doctored him (a/n: get your heads out of the gutter ppl!), while the rest of the company looked at Pippin in concern, although they feared to get to close to that wizard - dangerous chap, that one.

Said wizard was now fruitlessly trying to wake Pippin up. After about 5 minutes of nerve-wracking tension, Gandalf stood up and sighed. "Anyone else got any ideas?" he looked around the room, his gaze coming to rest on Merry, who was looking very intently at the floor. "Merry?"

Suddenly, Merry gave an "eep!" and rushed from the room, running into Eowyn who was still standing stunned at the great double doors. "Come with me, my lady!" he yelled as he ran out into the cool night air. "Look, do you know where I can get any mushrooms?" She looked at him, and recognition dawned. "Follow me, Merry!"

This time, it was Eowyn barreling through the throne room and down the hall, Merry's short legs taking him in hot pursuit. She led him quickly into the Royal Kitchens, where they worked side by side at frying exactly 100 mushrooms. They then ran back with a full basket to where Pippin was lying unconscious in the makeshift bedroom.

As soon as Eowyn walked in with the basket of mushrooms, Pippins state changed drastically. He sat up, bright-eyed and smiling, saying, "Ooh, what is it? Elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? I smell mushrooms!"

Merry's miraculous and innovative cure had worked, and thereafter, in history books and medical schools, he would be hailed as one of the greatest volunteer doctors of the Third Age.

After this, they ate all the mushrooms. And there was great rejoicing.

And poor Sauron, stuck inside the Palantir Coughdrop, felt very left out and lonely, and was very annoyed at all the fuzz from inside Gandalf's cloak stuck on the outside of the sticky cough drop.

* * *

Author's Note: SURPRISE! It's been less than a week - only a day, in fact, and I have updated! With humor, no less! Thank you, thank you. Monty Python is a total sock rocker! Woohoo! Go Monty Python! And a note about the last chapter: "depressed storm drains" is from one of my own experiences - in Connecticut, on Merritt Pkwy, there are storm drains that run under the road, and there are these highway signs everywhere that say "WARNING: DEPRESSED STORM DRAINS!" If you don't live near there (which I don't, in fact I live in a place where road signs are used for recreation as shooting targets but I'm drabbling), it's actually quite funny the first time you see them, me and mom were driving down Merritt pkwy and we were thinking of all these nutty explanations for the signs…very funny. 


	11. Chapter 11 of the Frying Pan

Disclaimer, featuring PG2, the Second Propaganda Guy, generously contributed by Erulasse.

PG2: Hey people, she doesn't own it!  
BASH!  
PG2: Archie, if you break my bones, and kill my body, you will have my dead body. You STILL won't own it!  
Archie: fine. I don't own it. I'll deal with you later. I may transform you into Orlando Bloom. (cue evil laughter) Okay, by the way, this chapter contains material directly transcripted from the movie. I DO NOT OWN the movie script, and these portions of the chapter ARE BORROWED WITHOUT PERMISSION but not for money or anything (well, duh…).

CHAPTER….(cheesy drumroll)…ELEVEN!

* * *

The next morning, a sort of spontaneous council was held in the Throne Room of Meduseld.

Gandalf sighed. He seemed to do a lot of that.

"There was no lie in Pippin's eyes. A fool, but an honest fool he remains. He told Sauron nothing of Frodo and the Ring. We've been strangely fortunate."

Here Gandalf was interrupted by Merry's protest of "Nuh-uh! I saved him with my mushroom cure! That wasn't 'fortunate'!"

Gandalf gave him The Look, and continued, "Pippin saw in the Palantir Coughdrop a glimpse of the Enemy's plan. Sauron moves to strike the Super 8 Motel." Here, several "Well, duh's" were heard from the assembled people.

But he continued, undeterred: "His defeat at Helm's Depp showed our enemy one thing. He knows the Heir of Elendil has come forth. Men are not as weak as he supposed. There is courage still…strength perhaps to challenge him. Sauron fears this. He will not risk the peoples of Middle-earth uniting under one banner. He will raze the Super 8 to the ground before he sees a king return to the throne of Men. If the beacons of Gondor are lit, Rohan must be ready for war."

It was then that Theoden had yet another Idiot Attack. "Tell me," he said, in a dangerously calm voice, "Why should we ride to the aid of those who did not come to ours? What do we owe Super 8?"

Aragorn, once again seeing a perfect chance to demonstrate his courage and authority, said stupidly, "I will go."

"No." This new Gandalf was more grumpy than the old one.

"They must be warned," the King-to-be protested.

"They will be," Gandalf shot back, then lowered his voice so Aragorn could barely hear him and everyone else could. "You must come to the Gondor Super 8 by another road. Follow the swimming pool. Look to the black ships." He then resumed talking to everyone else, "Understand this: things are now in motion that cannot be undone. I drive for Super 8. And I won't be going alone," he finished, directing his gaze pointedly at Pippin.

Pippin, it turned out, had to be attached to a bungee cord and dragged towards the parking lot.

"Where are we going?" asked the poor Took confuzzledly.

Merry just answered him annoyingly with another question: "Why did you look? Why do you always have to look?"

"I don't know; I can't help it!" Pippin was looking kind of hysterical.

"You never can," said Merry coldly.

Pippin brightened slightly at this. "Well now, that's not always been such a bad thing, has it? I mean, after all, you can't have the privelege of seeing if you don't look! Take the time when-" he was abruptly cut off by Merry's hand over his mouth, closely followed by a loud "PEREGRIN!" coming from the parking lot.

"Come on!" Merry dragged him forward.

When they finally got over to the myriad of cars parked on the asphalt, they found that yet another wait awaited them: Shadowfax and the resident parking meter had struck up a conversation, but had apparently had a misunderstanding and now were refusing to communicate, so the parking meter insisted on charging Gandalf twice the regular fee for parking Shadowfax for 24 hours, and if he refused to pay, the parking meter would call PG2 the Second Propaganda Guy on him, and Pippin and Gandalf would have to listen to his cheesy sales pitches all the way to Super 8.

Gandalf didn't have any money though, and he REALLY didn't want to be stuck with PG2, so he went the easy road and took neither, and rather spitefully covered the parking meter with an empty feed sack to shut him up.

As Gandalf threw Pippin into Shadowfax and got in to start the Porsche, Merry came to Pippin's window.

"Here," he said quietly, "something for the road."

Pippin took it, then said confusedly, "A frying pan! But," he paused, "we'll see each other soon, won't we? Won't we?" Gandalf looked across the top of the car at Merry.

"I don't know, Pip, I don't know what's going to happen. There could be a shortage in frying pans before we see each other again. I don't know, Pip," the Brandybuck said, seemingly on the verge of tears.

As Gandalf revved up the engine and drove out of the parking lot at about 60 mph, Pippin stuck his head out the window and called desperately, "MERRY!" before abruptly sticking his head back inside for fear of getting it caught on a stop sign.

Because of the rough terrain, Gandalf had to ease Shadowfax along very slowly and carefully, so Pippin slept most of the way out of boredom, and because of his loss of sleep from the night before. They had just crossed into Gondor before he woke up again.

"We have just passed into the realm of Gondor," Gandalf hollered over the sputter of Shadowfax's engine. But, as they started to go up the next hill, the one that would give them a spectacular vista of the Gondor Super 8 when they got to the top, Shadowfax's engine stopped sputtering and abruptly died.

"Humph," the wizard humphed, before getting out and slamming his fist on the hood of the poor car. Pippin got out too, but his attention was focused entirely on something else.

"Gandalf! Gandalf! Look, look over there! What is it?"

Gandalf looked, and promptly had to restrain himself from strangling Pippin. "That," he stated matter-of-factly, "is a capybara."

"Ooooh, nice capybara! Gandalf, can we take him with us? Why not? He's fuzzy!"

Gandalf humphed again, and then said cynically, "Well, Peregrin Took, if you want to carry him, then you can most definitely take him with us."

To his utter un-relief, Pippin said brightly, "Okay! I'll name him Capi! Come on, Capi the Capybara!"

So, they started up the hill, only to be joined a moment later by a completely refurbished and accessory-laden Shadowfax, including backseat TV and satellite dish, which of course pleased Pippin and Capi the Capybara immensely.

After only about 5 minutes, however, Capi the Capybara made a discreet and hurried exit out of an open window. "Say hi to Merry for me," were his last words to the distraught Pippin. And with that, he hurtled towards Mordor to tell Sauron of best and most innovative new torture device: Spongebob Squarepants.

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Legolas' Girl 9: Just wondering, are you always monosyllabic? Thanx for your review.

RedDevil15: Actually, I don't know all that much Monty Python stuff except Holy Grail. I did see Life of Brian, and some of the Flying Circus, but that's been awhile. I'll have to refresh my memory so I can include more in my stories.

fetch-thranduilion: You're too kind! I mean, 'wow' is not something I would directly associate with _my _story, but hey whateva floats ya boat… I'm glad you could use the 'random words' thing!

word junky: thanx for your review! Sorry if I embarrass the characters, but that's the fun of it, see!

Alex Hemming: thanx, and kudos to you too!

Killer Fuzzy Bunny from Hell: I'd like to say I have a secret idea bar always stocked with beer, but actually… every chapter, I get my mum to give me 7 random words. I base the storyline of the chapter on those 7 words. And I just have a deranged mind ;-

Erulasse the Cheesy Salesperson Reviewer: Thank you, thank you, thank you! PG2 has so far been very helpful in derangement of my normal brain functions. WHY? Because you sent him in only his underwear, that's why. HA! See, I told you… You know, maybe you wouldn't have sent him if only you knew how good he is at picking mushrooms… munchmunch

Author's Note: I'm Baaaaaaack! Sorry this took so long, but I…um…don't even have a good excuse…anyway, hope you enjoyed this, and I'll try to get another one out within the next…year…nah, I'll get it out...well, sometime sooner that that. And, all hail plumbing that actually works!

Archie


	12. Eyebrow Waggling

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Lord of the Rings, books or movies. You wanna sue me? Well then, um, while you're at it, sue the next guy/girl over too. She doesn't own it either. And I don't sell anything. Heck, I'm not even on eBay! hehe.

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Chapter 12: Eyebrow Waggling

_**RECAP**_

"Over the river and through the woods and around the mountains and over the hills and across the plains and in the dirt to Denethor's house WE GO!"

Gandalf scowled.

_**END RECAP**_

As Shadowfax the Porsche crested The Hill, Pippin looked down in awe at the spectacularity of the Gondor Super 8.

**Eru: aaaarrrrggghhhh! Drop the Super 8 joke!**

…..

As Shadowfax the Porsche crested The Hill, Pippin looked down in awe at the glimmering marble of Gondor's capital, Minas Tirith.

"Minas Tirith," said Gandalf grandly, "the City of Kings."

Somehow, they jumped instantly into the city, and were suddenly speeding through the streets, up through the Seven Levels, the air getting thinner and thinner as they steadily gained altitude.

As they "surfaced" at the top of the city, Gandalf encountered a problemmo. There were _stairs_. Now, everyone should know that you can't very well drive a car up a flight of stairs, not to mention that Shadowfax had somehow managed to run to completely empty on gas, and now refused to go anywhere.

So, they had to leave the gleaming white car locked to a bike rack at the bottom of the stairs. Gandalf dearly hoped that there were no prowling car-thieves in Minas Tirith.

As the two pedestrians walked past the White Tree in the Citadel courtyard, Pippin, once again playing the fool, pointed in the opposite direction, towards the other side of the courtyard.

"It's a swingset! Gandalf! Gandalf!" he alerted the wizard, and promptly ran over and made the swingset useful.

"Fool of a Took!" thundered the wizard. "Now get off that swingset and come with me!"

Pippin merely grinned. "Push me, Gandalf! C'mon! I'm only twenty-eight, I need someone to push me!" said the silly hobbit.

Suddenly, a lightbulb went off in Gandalf's head. He smiled a big smile, put down his staff, and walked to behind the swing that Pippin was sitting on. As he went out of Pippin's sight, he suddenly grabbed the hobbit by both feet and flipped him over and out of the swing, whereupon Pippin was subdued enough to follow him (but not without a subtle poking of Gandalf's backside when he bent over to retrieve his staff).

As they walked up the stairs to the great doors leading to the throne room, Gandalf explained the gravity of Pippin's misconduct:

"Yes, Pippin, that is a swingset: the White Swingset of Gondor. The Swingset of the King. Lord Denethor, however, is not the king. He is a Steward only, a caretaker of the throne.

"Now listen carefully," he continued as they reached the doors. "You cannot use that swingset, and neither can Lord Denethor. It is the King's Swingset, to be used only by the King. Now, listen more carefully. Lord Denethor is Boromir's father. To give him news of his lovely son's death would be most unwise.

And don't mention Frodo or the Ring.

And say nothing of Aragorn either.

In fact, it's better if you don't speak at all, Peregrin Took."

Pippin nodded gravy. Er, gravely.

As the great doors swung open, the hobbit and the wizard heard a strange noise: silence. Silence, except for that one strange noise: it sounded like the soft beating of many small wings, or perhaps more like a dying food processor.

Gandalf waggled his eyebrows, and said angrily, "Vanity, vanity! All is turned to vain ambition!"

For, there, in the middle of the throne room, right smack dab in front of the Throne, was Denethor. In myriad royal robes and furs, red-faced, puffing and blowing. On a Nordic Trak.

For a while, all they did was stand and stare (the latter applying more to Pippin), until the great Lord of Gondor, still red-faced, puffing and blowing, stepped off the exercise machine and crumpled in a heap on the floor, and was picked up by several servants and placed, with Boromir's horn, in his royal seat.

Only now did Gandalf dare to enter, Pippin trailing behind. "Hail, Denethor, Son of Ecthelion, Lord and Stupid of Gondor," he projected pompously.

"Hail? Do you really think so? I thought it was rather fine weather myself," he said, looking nervously about him and out the high windows. Only then did he seem to recover and remember his part, swiftly changing his countenance to a stern glower and staring into his lap once more.

Gandalf was a bit stunned by all of this, but he too managed to recover his wits just in time, apparently trying to reassure the monarch by continuing with "I come with tidings in this dark hour, and with counsel," and on the last word he waggled his eyebrows some more.

"Before we begin, I was just wondering," Gandalf said, almost aside, "Dude, what's with the Nordic Trak?"

"You did not come to ask this," Denethor glowered. "Although, perhaps you come to explain this"- he took out of his lap a split banana – "Perhaps you come to tell me why my son is dead."

Pippin looked on, almost in horror. Yes, it was a few weeks older, yes, it was most definitely rotten, but it was still the same banana: Boromir had carried it. He had once told Pippin why he carried it, too: he had said that if global warfare broke out, he'd still have some sustenance from that banana.

"Boromir died to save us," said the poor hobbit, "my kinsman and me. He fell defending us from many shoes." Pippin knelt before Denethor, and said slowly, "I offer you my service, in payment of this debt."

"Then this is my first command to you," said Denethor. "My Bo-Bo was a big strong boy! How is it that he was overcome, his sustaining banana cloven in two?"

"The biggest boys can be killed by just one shoe, and Boromir was hit by waaaay too many," answered Pippin, slightly perturbed.

"Get up," chided a disgusted wizard, while whacking the hobbit on the butt with his staff to get him back for earlier. "My lord, there will be a time to grieve for Boromir, but it is not now. War is coming."

Denethor remained silent, glowering into his lap.

"The Enemy is on your doorstep! As Steward, you are charged with the defense of this city! Where are Gondor's armies!"

Denethor remained silent, glowering into his lap, and occasionally whispering, "nice doggy!"

Gandalf continued anyway, "You still have friends. You are not alone in this fight. Send word to Théoden of Rohan. Light the Beacons."

Suddenly, Denethor looked up, still with the glower-that-could-give-you-a-wedgy look. "You think you are wise, Mithrandir, but for all your subtleties, you have not wisdom. Do you think that guys from the White Tower are blind? I have seen more than you know. With your left hand, you would use me as a shield against Mordor, and with your right, you seek to supplant me! I know who rides with Théoden of Rohan. Oh yes, word has reached my ears of this Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and I tell you now, I will not bow to this (dirty-scraggly-messy-nasty-greasy-wild) Ranger from the North, last of a ragged house long bereffft of lordship!"

Gandalf's eyebrows were starting to waggle dangerously again. "Authority is not given to you to deny the Return of the King, Steward! Besides, it's now a major motion picture hit! They'd sue you, Steward!" he spat.

Pippin was starting to get bewuzzled as Denethor's eyebrows began to waggle too.

"The rule of Gondor is MINE, and no other's!" the Steward yelled hysterically.

Gandalf's eyes stopped waggling, and he hastened down the long hallway and back out the great doors, saying once again to Pippin, "all is turned to vain ambition! Come!"

_P.O.V. of an unidentified courtier present for this exchange:_

"Yikes!"

* * *

**Reviewer Responses**

**RedDevil15**: hahahahaha indeed! Wow! And I'm really sorry I didn't update sooner, hopefully you've been too busy to check anyway (hides under desk)

**Legolas's Girl 9**: I was kidding you, but here's Thorndike Barnhart's on "monosyllabic": 1) having only one syllable. 2) consisting of a word or words of one syllable: _"No, not now" is a monosyllabic reply. _Glad you think it's funny.

**fetch-thranduilion**: no, I've never read the Hitchhiker books. Thanx for your review.

**Snodgrass Winkle**: that's okay!

Author's Note: I hope this is a satisfactory chapter to make up for the long wait ;( . Do forgive me! I'll probably be updating more often now that summer's over, and in fact I have the next chapter mostly formulated, and that should be out by the end of the week. 'til then

Archie


	13. the Deep Grime That's On the Sponge

Disclaimer: I read someone's disclaimer recently that said "Tolkien owns it, the great man whose boots we are not fit to lick." Yes, I know. But it still sounds gross to me! So I'll just say, "I don't own any of Lord of the Rings and am in no way associated with Peter Jackson, New Line Cinema, the Tolkien estate or any other organization that lays claim to the script or Tolkien's work. If I did, everyone would know about this crazy fic, and then I would be famous, which I'm not. So there."

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**Chapter 13: the Deep Grime That's On the Sponge**

As Gandalf stormed out of Denethor's sight (and consequently any esteem the Steward may still have had for him), he looked down to Pippin once again, saying, "All is turned to vain ambition! He would even use his fitness as a cloak!" and then mumbled, almost to himself, "not to mention that he already _has _one! And a darned furry one, too!"

That night, Pippin commented on his flashy new duds. "So, I imagine this is just a ceremonial position. I mean, they don't actually expect me to do any fighting!"- he changed his tone a bit and cocked his head to the side like a curious dog - "do they?"

Gandalf coughed on his pipe smoke. "You're in the service of the Steward now," he said irritably. "You'll have to do as you're told, Peregrin Took, Guard of the Citadel. Ridiculous hobbit," he trailed off as he nearly choked on his smoke once again. Pippin brought him some water.

Pippin looked up at the sky, and then relief dawned on his face: "There's no more coconuts. Gandalf, is it time?"

"Yes, yes, it is time," said the wizard sadly. The hobbit's randomness was growing daily.

"Stop coughing," Pippin whined. "It's too loud. You smoke too much. It's too quiet. Say something."

"It's the deep grime that's on the sponge," Gandalf replied. (Reader, keep in mind that almost everyone in this story is in some way deranged.)

"I don't want to be in a battle," the hobbit mused. "But waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse." Suddenly, Pippin got a bright idea. "Gandalf, are there any trapdoors or secret passages in Minas Tirith? I CAN'T STAND THE SUSPENSE! I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"

The last part of Pippin's sentence was screamed at the top of his lungs. Leagues away, Sauron snickered.

Suddenly, a Big Scary Green Light shot up from Minas Morgul. Pippin would have screamed again if it hadn't been for Gandalf's hand over his mouth.

Thunder rolled, and red light from Orodruin answered the Witch King's query. It was all very terrifying.

Gandalf placed his hand on Pippin's shoulder. "The Witch King's email is only electronic, young hobbit. It is in the battle that the email signifies is coming that our strength is to be tested."

The next morning, there was no light: a fume and great smoke had covered the Sun. Gandalf, however, got Pippin up early. All the hobbit did, however, was roll over with a grumbled "th's tae dark tae giddup yet," and, at further goading, struck out blindly with both hands and feet at the source of his early morning irritation (namely, Gandalf). In the end, the wizard was obliged to pick the hobbit up and sling him over his back.

As soon as Pippin woke up enough to figure out that he was being carried through the streets of Minas Tirith in pajamas and with a blanket wrapped around him so that his arms were strapped to his sides, he immediately began to struggle and say things like "Mmmmaaaghhh! Bffft! Bffft maebaaanaaanaaaa!"

Gandalf finally got where he was going: the Minas Tirith Stop'n'Go gas station and convenience store. He put Pippin down on the sidewalk while he went in to get a lighter.

Pippin's eyes were just about the only thing peeking out from inside his blanket-cocoon, and they were wide open by this time. He could see feet all around him, so he figured he was on the ground once again, which he was glad for, since the ride on Gandalf's back had been rather jarring and the poor hobbit was feeling more than a bit sick.

Pippin looked around once more. As far as he could tell, if he just rolled off the sidewalk, he could likely roll downhill quite a space. He mulled over this new information. He had once gone barrel-rolling with Merry: one of them would get in the barrel at a time, and the other would push. Pippin grinned under the blankets.

"Thank you, thanks very much," Gandalf thanked the cashier as he pushed open the door and stepped outside once again – only to find that, horror of horrors – _PIPPIN WAS GONE!_

Suddenly, something caught his eye. Something white was just rolling out of sight down the hill. It couldn't be –

"PIPPIN! COME BACK HERE YOU RIDICULOUS HOBBIT!" Gandalf shouted as he ran. The white bundle just rolled faster. Curious Gondorian housewives lined up along the streets, and young boys chased after Gandalf in the hopes that they might see something exciting. Gandalf groaned. They were laughing, starting to catch on to the fact that a wizard was chasing after a deranged hobbit rolling down the hill in his bedclothes. Yes, it was funny, he gave them that. Ha, ha.

To make a long story short, Gandalf did catch up with him again in the end, but only when the hobbit-in-a-blanket had collided with a wall and was forced to end his flee. The wizard took him back up the streets to where he had originally meant to go.

Gandalf handed him the lighter. "Peregrin Took, there is a task now to be done. You must not fail me," he told the hobbit solemnly.

Pippin followed his gaze up. Really far up.

As he climbed the near-vertical staircase leading to the beacon, still in his pajamas, and still dragging the blanket along behind him, Pippin wondered vaguely what he was doing up here.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Sorry about the wait, everyone. I was... well, reading someone else's fanfic. I'm not as happy with this chapter as I have been with others, but there you go. Can't always be perfect. This may seem really short, and hardly anything happens. I know that. Hopefully the next chapter will be out very soon. It just seemed like too much to pack into one chapter, so I opted for two long ones. Hope you enjoyed.

**Reviewer Responses:**

**Red-Devil15:** You can have it! Great word, huh? Glad you loved it

**randomrohanfreak:** Your name is great! You must be a very dedicated person...thanks to you, I now have (fumbles about)... 47 REVIEWS! WAHOOOO! Glad to find another Python fan! And don't worry if you're random – randomness is what this is all about!

**HyperLittleCat**: glad you liked it! Here's an update.

**fetch-thranduilion:** heeheehehehehehehehe! It's all my mom's fault...hehe!

**CC83: **On the Italian in Chpt. 5: I know absolutely no Italian whatsoever, and I used an online translation site to get that from English to Italian. Here's what it said when I translated it back to English, using another translation service: _"Who and be to seat in?" it has said the Small Bear. "And that and be to eat my oats cream?"_ It's supposed to be part of Goldilocks and the Three bears. Talk about lost in translation! The other (said by Gimli) is even worse: _An other losing! We have thought our Friendship was indelible, but it begins to watch inedible and rather irriconoscibile!_(a/n?)_ At first it was Gandalf, then Boromir and the Hobbit, then the other two hobbit, and now Aragorn! That we they are to make, oh that that they are we to make..." _yeah...um...


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